re-beginnings

The last couple of days have seen me go from slump to surge of positivity – despite still battling the eternal headache, plus the nausea from an increase of medication (which is supposed to ease the headache, hmm). Yesterday morning I simply felt miserable, wanting to be able to do something, I can’t quite explain it. Simply feeling ill all the time and feeling unable to contribute to our life together (Andy will disagree on this point but I can’t help feeling it sometimes!) brings me down. I spent most of the morning trying to research possibilities and in the end was even less hopeful than the start. I simply prayed: ‘God, I need something.’

I can’t quite recall what brought it to mind; perhaps trying to find my old proofreading course notes and failing led my thoughts towards this point. 10 years ago (yes, an entire decade) I started a creative writing course. What with life, health, circumstance and simply a lack of life experience I halted after barely beginning. Then I went to college and studied Theology for three years (a fantastic experience, I might add). Over the past couple of years I have simply considered the writing course another unfinished failed project, which prodded me into more mopiness. (Mopiness = a state of moping. Not attractive, I assure you.)

Anyway, I looked up their website; these days of course there is a whole online community setup for students that didn’t exist when I started (hark, in a minute I’ll be muttering ‘In my day…‘). Suddenly feeling determined, I found the contact form and explained my situation. I didn’t have much hope – although the course was open-ended 10 years is a long time, when I didn’t even complete the 2nd assignment. Once I’d sent it, hope tickled at me despite myself; I was restless with hope – you know what I mean? It’s agony and enjoyment at the same time…

Not long before the email arrived ‘It’s fine for you to come back on the course…’ Ahhh, the delight! They advised me to purchase updated course materials but I’d predicted that – even the amount.

So. I have popped my cheque in the post and should receive the materials within the next week, I hope. I am determined to prioritise this and make a good effort; part of why I’m telling everyone is to aid motivation! I have been tidying up both physical and mental space…a kind of freshness at a re-beginning. Back to study and assignments! Yes I feel pretty rubbish physically. Frankly, I’ve decided – so what? – I shall do this anyway. I can’t wait around waiting to get better, since I have no idea when that will be. This I can do – and now is the time to do it (and you can prod me occasionally, on a virtual level).

This morning I opened the cupboard and my proofreading course notes were right at the top. I’d searched high and low for them yesterday, before my slump-despair-help-prayer. Funny, that.

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6 thoughts on “re-beginnings

  1. I'm sorry to hear about your health difficulties. It is hard not to get depressed at times like this. Glad to know that you can resume the creative writing course and that you found your notes.Keeping you in my prayers.

  2. Oh, i so understand the "i'm not contributing much to our marriage because of my health" thing. Sometimes it is hard to just keep on going.But good for you! You kept plugging away & found an outlet that will work for you. I hope you find it enjoyable & a good reward.:)

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