Yesterday I had my first group session with the CFS/ME service (which I mention here). It went well, in that I felt very relaxed – once I was there – and there is something rather free-ing about being with others who understand. You can see the relief dawn on people’s faces when they realise – I am not the only one.
Of course, and ironically, I was absolutely shattered afterwards. Thankfully my bus arrived as soon as I’d arrived at the bus stop and ferried me home (can a bus be said to ferry?!) And my headache, frustratingly, became ferocious.
There are another 4 weekly sessions to attend then I’m back on my own, although I’m hoping to establish some contacts with others through the process. I may join a regional support network eventually. there was one in the area where I grew up as a teenager, but I never wanted to have anything to do with that at that age. I was so fed up of being labelled, and leery of being different in any additional way (it’s hard enough being a normal teenager, isn’t it?). I think the main thing was that it gave it a kind of definiteness, a permanency which I couldn’t bare to adhere to it – as if by grouping myself with other sufferers I could never shake it, nor the label of it.
It’s different now of course. No longer an embarrassed teenager, I have come to recognise the benefits of the support of others, and through this programme appreciate the relief it can bring – being able to share a similar experience. Also, I suppose after 15 years of having it to some degree, I am no longer afraid of making it feel definite and real and permanent – it’s here, and that’s that. I was much better at various points in that time. I don’t want anyone to think I have been the way I am now for all that time. I had a relapse a couple of years ago so it has been bad since then. Prior to that I was managing, albeit not as strongly as someone without it, but still managing.
And I do believe I have received healing at various points along the way – that through the prayers of others I have been kept safe from getting worse at times, and have made significant, renewing, improvements. One of these was particularly notable, when I felt a dose of energy from God which blasted out all the rotten fatigue. I don’t believe a relapse now negates the healing then.
Anyway. Today I have some things to do, including cleaning out Charlie. He is inside because this week is the week of Nov 5th – Bonfire Night here in the UK. Not that he is particularly fazed by loud noises, laid back horizontal bun that he is, but I wouldn’t want him scared. (My old dog Misty was terrified, even of thunder).
Now, didn’t I just say I had things to do?!!
Today: 4/10, medium – high
Yesterday: 5-4/10, high