a psalm of my own

Was searching (unsuccessfully) for something in one of my old paper journals recently (you know – you have to use a pen), when I found this. Like a psalm of my own, written at a time I was struggling with my role and purpose in life – and of course the broken record that is the fatigue. Thought I would record it here…

O Lord, help me,
my heart is heavy;
it has sunk into the pit
of my stomach,
and my head resonates with the
drum, drum, drum
of daily living.
Where is my hope, O God?
Where has my strength gone?

It has evaporated,
and I am weak, limp
like withered petals,
like drooping leaves.
How can a drooping plant bloom?
How can a withered flower rejoice?
Yet I will hope in my Lord
my Lord, my Saviour.

Forgive sweet Lord my unbelief
do not let my physical weakness
drain away and suck up
my inspiration
like a vacuum cleaner.
Help, I am wilting,
I am unable to stand.
What is the purpose of my existence?
I want to glorify you forever
but I am too weak to shine.
My light grows dim;
I am a smouldering wick.
Take pity, Lord, on my confusion.

Have mercy, O God,
on all my nonsenses,
on all my fickle hope,
on all my dim-wittedness.
Take away this buzz-buzz
buzzing of my brain
and be that still small voice
beautiful.

O God!
I feel the despair swarm in my veins;
it wants to get out,
to spill in all directions.
But who would be willing to clear up the mess?
Only you, O Lord,
have a broom that wide.
Sweep, Lord, sweep me up,
spring clean me with concentrated hope,
set love alive and polish me
with faith, so that
I could shine, O God.

Do not let me fade.
Do not leave me.
Do not turn your face away!
Speak in your glorious whisper
so that I may recognise you,
in the cham-ching-clamouring
of my mind.

I admit, as I typed this up, I added the line ‘like a vacuum cleaner’ because it was something that struck me today as I was grappling with the vacuum hose how the fatigue sucked energy out of me…but also I pondered my desire that I wish I could suck out the fatigue itself. Sucked out in one big squuuueeeeecccchhh and leaving me lighter, without the grey stuff in my veins – which how I picture it sometimes.

Today: 4/10, medium

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