think on this…

This is the simple card I made for the current Salt Challenge. The gems I used for the flower centres are larger than I wanted them – but I’ve run out of the smaller ones.

How hard it is to direct our thoughts! There are those who are, by temperament, much more disciplined in their thinking than others – and there are those who can, amazingly, completely empty their minds. But I am so easily distracted! My mind burbles and bustles, tumbles and trundles, whirls and wiggles until I just want to say shut up. Directing my thoughts, and meditating, is a discipline I have been trying to learn, especially with the scheduled rests that are part of the lifestyle manage programme for my CFS/ME. At the moment I am finding it tremendously difficult…but I am digressing (something my mind is very, very good at).

How easy it is to have our minds dwell on unhelpful things. These can be dark, evil things, but they can also be more subtle. How easily we can become frantic or anxious. How easily we can forget to look towards the light. This is a challenge for me because I have such a chaotic mind. It goes off track very easily. Thus I find it hard to have long, established quiet times with God like some people do. I want to. I want to think about things of God instead of things of me, of my worries, of negative thoughts about life and health, about future and circumstance. I want to direct my thoughts towards things such as those in this verse, and sometimes I succeed. And sometimes I don’t. I can only be honest with God, and pray that he helps me.

Today I had a doctor’s appointment, with my new doctor. She seems nice – my records haven’t caught up with me yet so I had to give a brief resume – not the easiest thing and I gabbled on rather fast as I didn’t want to take up too much of her time! Still, she was helpful, and I think I will be able to talk to her in future, which was the whole point of changing. She upped my dosage of the tablets I am on for my head, as I am on a very tiny dose, to see if that helps. Even the new dosage is classified as small, so I am happy with that.

I have an appointment at the clinic of the CFS/ME service tomorrow. I think they are worried that I am getting depressed and not managing very well. As I said to my doctor, I would describe my feelings as emotionally weary. Because I am so wretchedly tired, and this frustrating headache / neck ache in addition to it, I feel ill equipped to deal with events – whether they be physically or mentally demanding. I feel very easily swamped, and drawn to anxiety. But it is not constant – it is only on the days I am particularly tired, or when circumstances have piled up unhelpfully. I pray that the discussion will be constructive and I can go away feeling comfortable with the outcome.

Do you ever wish you had an ‘off’ switch? Or at least a ‘standby’ mode where you weren’t thinking anything, just recharging? I do.

Today: 4/10, high

5 thoughts on “think on this…

  1. Ruth says:

    Lucy – I so appreciate your word wanderings. Some people do that and I find myself sitting still and waiting for them to stop flopping around so I can see them better. Others — and you are one of these — I’m drawn to follow along in the wanderings and, in doing so, I find all sorts of wonders and delight. Reminds me of a favorite Jack Kerouac quote. It’s long, so I’ll point you to it as I think you’ll like it too.


  2. Tricia says:

    Ohhhh, yes, there are times that I wish I had an ‘off’ switch, too! Especially with my recent medical issues and the stuff with Dad. Long-term health issues can definitely take their toll, and I can empathize with your frustration. I’m glad that you found a doctor you can communicate with, and I hope your visit to the clinic goes well. I think I would probably go to that clinic and say, “Well, duh, yeah, I’m depressed sometimes. If you were tired all the time and dealing with constant pain, wouldn’t you struggle with depression, too?”Oh, and I like the card (as I enjoy all your cards). It’s a verse that I have to remind myself of constantly, too. 🙂


  3. Hazel says:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts – oh yes, I sometimes wish there was a ‘pause’ button! Not easy going to a new doctor. Hope the increased medication helps and that you feel less tired and unwell. Your card is delightful – thanks for taking part in the Salt challenge.


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