nerves, and all that lark

Feeling considerably tired today. Went to the entire service because it was the dedication of M’s 3 year old daughter, Chloe, at the beginning. It was lovely, although obviously I missed rest stop 1. I did a reading from the back while it was illustrated on PowerPoint; it seemed to go reasonably well. I find since I am having to take a back seat in church services these days that I get more nervous – I always get nervous anyway, but it’s worse these days. Somewhat frustrating occasionally – God, why do you give me gifts that make me feel sick every time I use them?!! I know it’s because my heart rate speeds up (my heart rate even speeds up when I am having my pulse checked, would you believe it); I tell my friends, wryly, that they may not want to sit in the front row, just in case I throw up on them! I’m not, actually, mentally nervous – I know I am capable of it and even enjoy doing it. My heart and stomach are simply treacherous, in my opinion.

It’s funny, the most helpful piece of advice I’ve ever had over nervousness was when someone said to me, ‘Well, that’s how you are. Accept that.’ By accepting that I do feel ill when I’m about to do something ‘up front’, it stops me getting infuriated with myself or doubly stressed. I simply make as many preparations as I can. If I need to go to the loo 5 times, who cares? A bottle of water for when my throat goes dry. (I’ve discovered, actually, that having some ‘props’ help – when I was trying to pull on my marigolds before our CSI: Jerusalem sketch I was so focused on what I was doing that the nausea didn’t reach it’s most dreadful height. And I mean dreadful – once I just about managed to do my piece before having to go outside and….mind you, that doesn’t usually happen.) I do do breathing exercises, the sort that work for me – ‘taking deep breaths’ makes it worse – but slow regular breathing with spaces in between inhaling and exhaling helps a little.

It is, mainly, the erratic nature of when I do what I do – last summer when I was involved in three services in a row, by the third I felt much better, as I was accustomed to it. So, ironically, if I did it all the time, it would be all right. Not going to happen with this silly fatigue, though! We had planned that I started helping Andy lead services at the start of this year, but of course the ‘programme’ put paid to that. I think if I did ever do things regularly, it would be much more manageable.

People say I have gifts with reading (aloud), speaking, teaching, writing, and drama. Only one of those is really do-able right now (that is, writing – which could include teaching, I suppose), but I find motivation and discipline soooo hard, when I feel quite isolated and my mind is annoyingly foggy. Today’s service talked about gifts, actually, with the Parable of the Talents being the one I read. Am I burying gifts in the ground?? I wondered. I would like to be a good and faithful servant…

Of course all this is a load of waffle. And since I was speaking from the back today, the nausea wasn’t at its supreme awfulness anyway. So all this is simple drivel which later I will feel silly about.

Oh, I loved being able to discuss Thursday’s entry – that was fun and got my mind buzzing. I’d like to write more ‘topical’ entries…when I have the energy.

Today:3-4/10, medium high

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4 thoughts on “nerves, and all that lark

  1. I have spent the last four years as a minister in front of the congregation. This last Sunday I joined a new church. My husband laughed at me because I was more nervous with my back to the congregation. I think the nervousness is where the Holy Spirit reminds us who is in charge.

  2. My comment may seem as if I’m not paying attention to your point — and I assure you that I am — but I’m an American (as you know) and miss the meaning of some of your wonderful idoms. Like, for instance, what is a “load of waffle”? This is not one I’ve heard before and I like it. Maybe it’s just one of YOUR phrases and not a British thing. Could be.

  3. A load of waffle? Um. Babble? Sort of ‘rambling on’ – used here, I suppose, with a slightly self-disparaging edge, possibly?! Hang on, I’m going to look in the dictionary (I love my dictionary!) here’s the British Waffle: speak or write, especially at great length, without saying anything important or useful !! So there you are! I am especially good at waffling in comments 🙂

  4. I majored in music at university and sang solos in church, and I found that even though people liked my singing, I would get extremely nervous beforehand – feeling my stomach doing flip-flops, experiencing dry mouth, taking a deep breath and hearing my stomach gurgle, and getting very red around my upper chest and throat! Like you, I just had to accept that that sort of thing was going to happen, prepare as much as I could, eat a good but not heavy meal a couple of hours beforehand…and wear dresses with high necklines, LOL!

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